A joy that didn't have time to blossom
After everything I had experienced, and after "When the Miracle Hurts", I felt like I timidly began to find my way again.
Not to forget, but to breathe. To stand a little more steadily.
And then the news came again that makes the heart beat fast.
Along with the joy came the fear.
The fear that history might repeat itself.
And yet, I tried to keep hope alive inside me, as much as I could.
This is the continuation of my journey.
With its light, its shadow, and the strength it took to stand up again.
Joy and fear
I spent almost two years trying not to forget, but to move forward.
To take a small breath again. To stand on my own two feet, as much as I could.
And then came some very happy news. I was pregnant again.
The joy I felt was immense. With it, fear came also.
The fear of reliving something that had hurt me so deeply.
The days went by between smiles and anticipation...
Until one morning, something I didn't expect appeared.
Bleeding.
And shortly before the first trimester was completed, I lost the pregnancy.
The loss and the pain
What stayed with me most intensely from this loss wasn't just the disappointment.
It was also the pain. The physical pain.
Shortly before going into surgery, the pain in my abdomen was so severe that I was bending over.
I was screaming that I couldn't take it anymore.
I talked to myself and asked, "Why? Why do I have to hurt so much?"
At the same time, my soul was aching.
The memories from the past had awakened.
I was back there, at the same spot, with the same tears.
But how much strength does it take to endure another loss?
The strength to continue
Even when it doesn't show.
Even when it seems like all hope has been extinguished.
Somewhere inside us, it exists.
And it waits for us to find it again.
I gathered my pieces.
And I continue.
With more tenderness.
With respect for my journey.
With love for what I lost and for what might someday come again. Or maybe not. But with love.
Always love.
And the journey does not stop here...
Through the difficulties, I discovered that even a small joy leaves deep roots within us
Every loss taught me to keep my faith in life alive, and in the love that can be born again.
And so the next part of my journey opened: