Choices and the weight of decision
At the beginning of my pregnancy, as I describe in"When the miracle hurts", we were presented with three choices:
The first was the termination of the pregnancy.
The second involved an intrauterine surgery with an uncertain outcome.
The third was to continue, knowing the risks and difficulties that would follow.
I couldn't imagine that a moment would come when I would have to decide whether a life should continue or end.
The mere idea weighed on me unbearably.
So, when the possibility of intrauterine surgery was given to us, I saw it as a sliver of light. Like a chance to hold onto hope—and I held on.
The first decision: love and protection
I remember that every pre-operative exam was conducted under immense agony.
In the end, the tests were good.
There was no indication of a problem that would lead us to consider terminating the pregnancy.
But we knew that if the results had been different, there would have been no other choice.
We proceeded with the intrauterine surgery, doing everything humanly possible to give our child the best chance of survival.
Whatever we did, whatever was to come, only one thing existed inside us: love and faith.
Even if the final decision wasn't entirely in our hands, the process and its progression were equally difficult and soul-wrenching.
There was no sense of control. Only waiting. And prayer.
The agony, the waiting, and the fears did not diminish; every moment brought its own weight.
Waiting to see if everything would turn out well, without being able to do anything more, destroys you silently.
These emotions are hard to describe.
The moment you move forward without knowing the conclusion.
The process that tests your limits.
The waiting until that hour arrives.
I remember crying.
Not out of weakness.
But out of fear. Out of exhaustion. Out of love.
For everything I had lost.
For everything I had been through.
Every tear was a silent testimony to how deeply I cared.
Some embraces remain forever incomplete.
The second ordeal: when life brings you before choices again
But life holds things in store for us that we could never have imagined.
The trials never stop, and yet you keep going…
And so it happened, as I describe in my journey "And Yet, I Continued: A Journey Through Uncertainty", just when I wanted more than anything not to have to make such a decision, life brings you face-to-face with a very difficult choice once again.
A second, even more difficult decision.
A decision I could not avoid.
And then I realized how heavy the word "must" can become.
How do you go on when you know that the responsibility of the decision was yours?
This time, there was no surgery to cling to for hope. There was only the choice.
For a long time, I couldn't carry it inside me.
Even if everyone around me said I did the right thing, inside me there was a silent doubt.
Decisions made to protect
Every decision I made, I made to protect.
My child.
Our family.
The life I could influence at that moment.
And when a decision is made out of a love that seeks to protect,
no matter how much it hurts,
at some point, peace arrives within you.
Not because you forget.
But because you reconcile with your choice.